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[icon] I'd like to destroy everything...
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Current Music:Darren Hayes - Insatiable
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Subject:Tee hee!
Time:11:45 pm
Current Mood:amusedamused
FTR, I'm MIA because I honestly just don't give two shits what you two-faced drama whores say and do. So go ahead and play the blame game behind closed posts. Talk shit about how you are so tired of everything and yet you feed into it. If you want to be really ballsy, try saying something to someone's face and not through a fucking computer. Everyone knows how low you go. I have my own things going on, and it doesn't involve ordering some extra cries with a wahhhburger. I'm just laughin' it up over here. THIS is what I call entertainment!

I'm OUT! :)

P.S. !!!!!!!

!
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Current Music:Justin Timberlake - "Let's Take A Ride"
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Subject:Not worth my tears.
Time:01:36 am
Current Mood:disappointeddisappointed
I think that I will be taking a temporary hiatus from LJ for awhile. For one thing, I know pretty much no one on here enough to post entries and get decent feedback. I will be doing some online searching to expand my network, and in due time I will be back and posting regularly. For now though I will limit my "venting" to my actual physical journal, since some things I post on here and would like to will "offend" some people, despite the harsh reality that I can possibly be right and/or that it is just the way it is. If it works, it works.

P.S. And no Mom, I am not talking about you. But I will probably fill you in on it if I remember the next time I am over.

So fare thee well LJ, I'll be back soon enough.
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Current Music:Silence.
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Subject:I'm Sorry.
Time:03:26 pm
Current Mood:indescribableindescribable

Happy was put to sleep 2 hours ago. 

He was diagnosed with lymphoma and an inflamed pancreas as complications from Feline Leukemia.

My baby boy is gone. He's never coming back.

...I won't be around for awhile.



Happy Bright
May 7, 2003 - February 2, 2008

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy, when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
."

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Current Music:The Buggles - "Video Killed The Radio Star"
Current Location:In My Bubble
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Subject:What did you tell them?
Time:05:48 am
Current Mood:depresseddepressed

So I suppose I haven't really updated in a while. I have had so much on my mind.

First thing I need to get off my chest is the familial situation. On Sunday night I went to Mom's for the usual Sunday night thing. Hadn't been there in 2 weeks, figured it would be somewhat tolerable. Man was I wrong.

Mom asked about the situation regarding San and Jim, talked aimlessly about Toby Keith coming to Continental Arena, and made passing comments about Luke. It was uncomrfortable, unnecessary, and not to mention angering. I think she got pissed at me for something I said (forgot what it was) and got snippy at me but I ignored it.

For a while, this has been a pretty sizeable source of my stress. Now, I would like nothing more than to get away from it so I won't have to be subjected to it. Unfortunately, it's hard for me to just walk away from anything regarding family. I know everyone in this family is apparently allergic to confrontation, and it will pretty much lead to some kind of huge falling out. It's not like it will matter. Everyone talks to everyone fucking else and expects everyone else to do something, like we read minds or don't have feelings or opinions of our own. Then when it doesn't happen someone gets pissy and throws a temper tantrum. More times than not it's over something ridiculous and petty. Instead of acting like a family, we are all acting like a bunch of fucking high schoolers. I'm getting really fucking livid with it all. Maybe I should just spell a couple things out to get this shit over with already.

-Whatever is going on between San and Jim is between just them--San and Jim. San isn't stupid, she knows pretty much no one likes him. Of course those people would not want things to work out for that reason. This is where San would come in since, well, it is HER situation. She married him for a reason and though most people don't see it, it isn't as easy as you would think to walk away from someone you feel you love. Just because your parents hate someone doesn't make it any easier to kick their ass to the curb. Even if you end up finding someone better, the road to finding them is pretty fucking painful and arduous. You wouldn't need any extra help to make sure the sting is still there. This would mean asking questions like "She should just sign divorce papers", and "She deserves better", etc. It's crude, it's not supportive, and it just plain fucking hurts. I know she means well by wanting the best but she is going about it COMPLETELY wrong. All you can do in this situation is support her and listen to her, be there for her. None of this "I told you so" bullshit.

-Rob and I broke up almost a year ago. Yeah. He was a nice guy to the parents. Loaned me money. Did favors for my parents. Took me out and bought me expensive gifts. Came by often. Just seemed perfect I guess. Except those expensive gifts and constant fucking gushing from my parents about how great he is compared to the other "losers" your other daughters are dating are NOT going to keep me warm at night, and they most certainly won't be holding me. Protecting me, telling me I would never be judged and abandoned. Things didn't work out. I tried telling her as much as I could without being judged myself and I got judged anyway. She took my ex-boyfriend's side over mine. Do you know what that says to me? That says my own mother agrees with my ex-boyfriend in leaving me because he thought I was a whore. I may seem like a raging cunt with no standards or morals, but maybe you've judged enough. He tried to get me back, but I know how he really feels. The fact that I can't talk to someone I used to be involved with, because you are intimidated of my experience compared to yours? That doesn't fly with me. All the diamonds in the world can't buy my acceptance for keeping me chained up like a fucking dog. I was emotionally devoid when I was with him. I couldn't even get a fucking hug without thinking something was up. I tried for months to try to tell him what I needed, and eventually after all I did I got a phone call in the a.m. shunning me into whore-dom for my past experiences.

About 3 or 4 months later I started becoming involved with someone else. At this point I had been friends with this person 5 months or so. Even though we definitely have our shares of nasty screaming fits (Well, mostly me), he says what he is thinking, does not keep anything to himself, and as far as I know he has not judged me or abandoned me. Whenever I had something on my mind, he would talk me through it and hold nothing back. He had a good childhood but some major familial issues which helps him relate to me. I will be the first (besides him) to say he is a complete asshole. He is arrogant, stubborn, and completely dumb when it comes to what he should do in relation to me sometimes. But it's those imperfections that remind me that I don't have to live up to anyone. I don't have to feel like less of a person because I am paranoid, because I have a temper, or even cause we got hit when we were kids. Shit happens, there has been worse, and in the end it has made us who we are.

-I don't resent my entire childhood. I have a ridiculous amount of respect for my parents even though they would never think it, but they need to realize we are all our own people. San is not going to just give up on her marriage cause you don't like her husband. Nicole is going to have to learn how to take responsibility (seriously) and not worry about such petty issues on her own time and pace. And if I want to get another piercing, another tattoo, drink one weekend, hell, even if I want to snort lines of coke off of a hooker's ass, let me make my own mistakes. My parents can think Luke is a fucktard all they want. The truth is, they don't know him. They don't know he was there when Rob wasn't. They don't know about the things he said, how I felt the last few months we were together. I do. Luke does. It's been almost a year. I am not walking away, and even worse, back to Rob just because they think he is a "nice guy" or cause Luke isn't that "nice Italian boy". And Mom of all people is not in a place to judge who could make me happy. Focus on your own life before trying to dictate mine.

I just want to be able to go to the house and not hear drama about shit that can't even be said to the respective people's fucking faces. It's always she said, he said bullshit. I talk shit, sure. But I also say it to their fucking face. It's all gossip. Why not concern, support, being realistic? I mean, I know I am in my own world a lot of the time too, but I mean DAMN. I accept what people say, do, feel. This isn't the fucking 50's, or whatever time frame people are stuck in. People are different, and are not going to feel or think how you do. Nor are they wrong for feeling or thinking otherwise.

I just wish they would see this. Because honestly, I am at the point where I can go pretty far away if I wanted to. The only reason I am staying here is for my family. At the same time, I won't go back to the house if all I hear is gossip about petty shit, Toby Keith, passing comments about Rob/Luke or the bitch next door. There is so much more to life than complaining about everyone fucking else. They have no idea how much more enjoyable it could be if they figured out what it was. All I can really ask is to just fucking be there, support us, and NEVER JUDGE US. After all, like Manson said, "I am a refelction of you." Don't try to give me shit like "Oh no, she quoted Manson, she's gone crazy". It's called being eclectic. If it fucking works, it works.

I can't rant anymore or my brain will melt. I have to be at work in 11 1/2 hours. I know this will probably upset Mom. I know she's probably going to read this within 6 hours of me posting this. It is not meant to be an attack. All I am attempting to accomplish from this post is to be honest and say what no one else seems to want to say, and that is what is on my mind. I've tried to say it in person, and it doesn't stick. Maybe if it's read over and over it will sink in a little easier. If she could understand and not get offended by what I am trying to say, it could only be improvement. Oh well. What can you do.

Wish me luck. 

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Current Music:Roy Orbison - "Crying"
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Subject:Ugh.
Time:03:44 pm
Current Mood:overwhelmed
I swear, things just keep getting better.

I really have nothing to say despite the million things going through my head right now.

I have to leave for work in about an hour. I am in the mood for no one's shit.

My birthday is in 2 days. I demand everyone to be at Dingo's. Do it.

Ugh.
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Current Music:Cold - "No One"
Current Location:In My Bubble
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Subject:Waiting to change...
Time:01:17 am
Current Mood:embarrassedembarrassed
Here's that update you've been waiting for, and big shocker, it's a bitchy rant. Oh well. Suck a nut, pussies.

Wow. I didn't think it was possible, but I am literally amazed at how disgusting one house can get.

A couple days ago Luke came to stay by for a while. As usual/expected, I was compleetly embarrassed. I attempted to clean the kitchen... at least a bit. I did a whole load of dishes, none of which were even mine. I cleaned the counter from top to bottom; a mess which was also not my responsibility to clean up. I then stepped out to the store with Mom for about an hour. I come back. The counter is already well on it's way to the original state it was in--disgusting state, that is.

Now I know dishes pile up sometimes, maybe sometimes no one thinks of the garbage and overflows. But to clean an area of the house to liveable standards, and to have it completely reversed, in a matter of hours is not even aggravating. It's almost amazingly impossible. It's never my mess. It's hardly any of the time even San's mess. She is working or at school too much for any of the majortity of the mess to be hers. It belongs to only one fucking person in this house, and I'm getting fucking fed up with it.

Maybe you grew up with Mommy wiping your ass. Maybe she did all your laundry and never yelled at you enough to inspire you to clean up your dirty ass socks, or even the fucking dishes and unopened mail in your name you leave around the house. You're in the REAL world now, buddy. It's called cleaning up after yourself. Having respect for the other people who have to fucking live with your disgusting ass. MAYBE you can live with the way you leave this house, but I can't. I can't even believe that someone this ridiculous doesn't get the fucking hint after hours, days, months, even years of bitching to just fucking grow up.

And then you have the fucking audacity to throw a fucking hissy fit in front of company about how "you give up", and how you "bust your ass and never get any fucking help"?

Are you serious?

1.) To give up on something, you need to TRY to DO IT first.
2.) To have the balls to complain about NOT getting help for something YOU choose to do and FAIL at is YOUR problem, no one else's.
3.) You spent your whole life getting help from MOMMY. That is why I am even posting this, because you've never had to do a damn thing for yourself without someone doing it for you, or whining relentlessly like a fucking BABY until it gets done.
4.) Good job whining like a fucking child in front of company. It makes the disgusting house (and you) look even better, considering you've had everything to do with it ending up this way... with NO help.

Oh yeah, and you're going to bed in a fucking hour, a day and a half, when you retire, and you want me to keep the "breathing" down.
1.) Come the fuck back WHEN you are going to bed. Stop putting in 2 week fucking notices to let me fucking know. I didn't care an hour ago, I won't care when your head hits the Goddamn pillow.
2.) Half the time, the music/movie/company is seriously not even that loud. So, uh, STFU. The house being on fire is a legitimate reason to talk to us. Crapping out an excuse like asking the music to be turned down, well, isn't.
3.) Stop fucking thinking I would ever want you in my room, at ANY given point or time, period.
4.) I pay my rent. Don't fucking worry about if I am working, who I'm seeing/where I am going, what is going on behind my closed door, etc. That's pretty much what makes it MY life, not YOURS.
5.) Appreciate what the fuck you have, and don't take it for granted or it WILL be gone. Stop whining like a fucking baby in shit like you have nothing or got dealt a shitty hand. Your life is what YOU make of it, no one else.
6.) You have NOT had it as bad as any of us, and you DON'T hear us bitching about it. Suck it up.

I'm fucking done. I'm going to go play Super Mario now since apparently, me being unemployed for a whopping 3 weeks makes me a completely useless and vapid waste of flesh. Now that's the pot calling the kettle BWAHHHk.

P.S. If you get angry at anyone else other than yourself for reading this, you might want to look over your prioroties, cause it's ALL YOU. Someone has to say it, and I might not be the right person, but it is the right fucking time. And I don't know about you, but I don't have a lot of it to be cleaning up after your ass. You want shit like that, go back home to fucking Mommy. Until then, I pay my rent and I have a say in the fucking shituation I have to live in. It's disgusting, and something needs to get fucking done other than absolutely nothing/bitching like a baby. MAKE IT HAPPEN.
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Current Music:Eminem - "One Shot, Two Shot"
Current Location:In My Bubble
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Subject:Sleeping outside the door
Time:11:44 pm
Current Mood:lonelylonely
So today would have been Rob and I's 2 year anniversary, and according to him, if things went to plan, I would also be engaged to be married right now.

It's funny how things work out, eh?

My life never ceases to humor me. I'm going to go jerk myself off to sleep now. Fuck all of you.
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Current Music:Super Paper Mario on the Wii
Current Location:My Temporary Bubble
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Subject:I lost 3 lbs.! W00T!
Time:11:41 pm
Current Mood:nauseatednauseated
At least this nasty stomach virus (or whatever the fuck it is) is doing something right.
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Current Location:My Bubble
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Subject:It's not healthy for me to feel this way.
Time:10:20 pm
Current Mood:nauseatednauseated
I'm fucking fed up with the world.

And men.

ESPECIALLY men.

FUCK ALL OF YOU, GODDAMNIT!!!
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Current Music:Darkane - "The Creation Insane"
Current Location:My Bubble
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Subject:Is there ever going to be a way out?
Time:12:15 am
Current Mood:depresseddepressed
I can't take this world sometimes...
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[icon] I'd like to destroy everything...
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