Happy was put to sleep 2 hours ago. 

He was diagnosed with lymphoma and an inflamed pancreas as complications from Feline Leukemia.

My baby boy is gone. He's never coming back.

...I won't be around for awhile.



Happy Bright
May 7, 2003 - February 2, 2008

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy, when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away."

So I suppose I haven't really updated in a while. I have had so much on my mind.

First thing I need to get off my chest is the familial situation. On Sunday night I went to Mom's for the usual Sunday night thing. Hadn't been there in 2 weeks, figured it would be somewhat tolerable. Man was I wrong.

Mom asked about the situation regarding San and Jim, talked aimlessly about Toby Keith coming to Continental Arena, and made passing comments about Luke. It was uncomrfortable, unnecessary, and not to mention angering. I think she got pissed at me for something I said (forgot what it was) and got snippy at me but I ignored it.

For a while, this has been a pretty sizeable source of my stress. Now, I would like nothing more than to get away from it so I won't have to be subjected to it. Unfortunately, it's hard for me to just walk away from anything regarding family. I know everyone in this family is apparently allergic to confrontation, and it will pretty much lead to some kind of huge falling out. It's not like it will matter. Everyone talks to everyone fucking else and expects everyone else to do something, like we read minds or don't have feelings or opinions of our own. Then when it doesn't happen someone gets pissy and throws a temper tantrum. More times than not it's over something ridiculous and petty. Instead of acting like a family, we are all acting like a bunch of fucking high schoolers. I'm getting really fucking livid with it all. Maybe I should just spell a couple things out to get this shit over with already.

-Whatever is going on between San and Jim is between just them--San and Jim. San isn't stupid, she knows pretty much no one likes him. Of course those people would not want things to work out for that reason. This is where San would come in since, well, it is HER situation. She married him for a reason and though most people don't see it, it isn't as easy as you would think to walk away from someone you feel you love. Just because your parents hate someone doesn't make it any easier to kick their ass to the curb. Even if you end up finding someone better, the road to finding them is pretty fucking painful and arduous. You wouldn't need any extra help to make sure the sting is still there. This would mean asking questions like "She should just sign divorce papers", and "She deserves better", etc. It's crude, it's not supportive, and it just plain fucking hurts. I know she means well by wanting the best but she is going about it COMPLETELY wrong. All you can do in this situation is support her and listen to her, be there for her. None of this "I told you so" bullshit.

-Rob and I broke up almost a year ago. Yeah. He was a nice guy to the parents. Loaned me money. Did favors for my parents. Took me out and bought me expensive gifts. Came by often. Just seemed perfect I guess. Except those expensive gifts and constant fucking gushing from my parents about how great he is compared to the other "losers" your other daughters are dating are NOT going to keep me warm at night, and they most certainly won't be holding me. Protecting me, telling me I would never be judged and abandoned. Things didn't work out. I tried telling her as much as I could without being judged myself and I got judged anyway. She took my ex-boyfriend's side over mine. Do you know what that says to me? That says my own mother agrees with my ex-boyfriend in leaving me because he thought I was a whore. I may seem like a raging cunt with no standards or morals, but maybe you've judged enough. He tried to get me back, but I know how he really feels. The fact that I can't talk to someone I used to be involved with, because you are intimidated of my experience compared to yours? That doesn't fly with me. All the diamonds in the world can't buy my acceptance for keeping me chained up like a fucking dog. I was emotionally devoid when I was with him. I couldn't even get a fucking hug without thinking something was up. I tried for months to try to tell him what I needed, and eventually after all I did I got a phone call in the a.m. shunning me into whore-dom for my past experiences.

About 3 or 4 months later I started becoming involved with someone else. At this point I had been friends with this person 5 months or so. Even though we definitely have our shares of nasty screaming fits (Well, mostly me), he says what he is thinking, does not keep anything to himself, and as far as I know he has not judged me or abandoned me. Whenever I had something on my mind, he would talk me through it and hold nothing back. He had a good childhood but some major familial issues which helps him relate to me. I will be the first (besides him) to say he is a complete asshole. He is arrogant, stubborn, and completely dumb when it comes to what he should do in relation to me sometimes. But it's those imperfections that remind me that I don't have to live up to anyone. I don't have to feel like less of a person because I am paranoid, because I have a temper, or even cause we got hit when we were kids. Shit happens, there has been worse, and in the end it has made us who we are.

-I don't resent my entire childhood. I have a ridiculous amount of respect for my parents even though they would never think it, but they need to realize we are all our own people. San is not going to just give up on her marriage cause you don't like her husband. Nicole is going to have to learn how to take responsibility (seriously) and not worry about such petty issues on her own time and pace. And if I want to get another piercing, another tattoo, drink one weekend, hell, even if I want to snort lines of coke off of a hooker's ass, let me make my own mistakes. My parents can think Luke is a fucktard all they want. The truth is, they don't know him. They don't know he was there when Rob wasn't. They don't know about the things he said, how I felt the last few months we were together. I do. Luke does. It's been almost a year. I am not walking away, and even worse, back to Rob just because they think he is a "nice guy" or cause Luke isn't that "nice Italian boy". And Mom of all people is not in a place to judge who could make me happy. Focus on your own life before trying to dictate mine.

I just want to be able to go to the house and not hear drama about shit that can't even be said to the respective people's fucking faces. It's always she said, he said bullshit. I talk shit, sure. But I also say it to their fucking face. It's all gossip. Why not concern, support, being realistic? I mean, I know I am in my own world a lot of the time too, but I mean DAMN. I accept what people say, do, feel. This isn't the fucking 50's, or whatever time frame people are stuck in. People are different, and are not going to feel or think how you do. Nor are they wrong for feeling or thinking otherwise.

I just wish they would see this. Because honestly, I am at the point where I can go pretty far away if I wanted to. The only reason I am staying here is for my family. At the same time, I won't go back to the house if all I hear is gossip about petty shit, Toby Keith, passing comments about Rob/Luke or the bitch next door. There is so much more to life than complaining about everyone fucking else. They have no idea how much more enjoyable it could be if they figured out what it was. All I can really ask is to just fucking be there, support us, and NEVER JUDGE US. After all, like Manson said, "I am a refelction of you." Don't try to give me shit like "Oh no, she quoted Manson, she's gone crazy". It's called being eclectic. If it fucking works, it works.

I can't rant anymore or my brain will melt. I have to be at work in 11 1/2 hours. I know this will probably upset Mom. I know she's probably going to read this within 6 hours of me posting this. It is not meant to be an attack. All I am attempting to accomplish from this post is to be honest and say what no one else seems to want to say, and that is what is on my mind. I've tried to say it in person, and it doesn't stick. Maybe if it's read over and over it will sink in a little easier. If she could understand and not get offended by what I am trying to say, it could only be improvement. Oh well. What can you do.

Wish me luck.