So I suppose I haven't really updated in a while. I have had so much on my mind.
First thing I need to get off my chest is the familial situation. On Sunday night I went to Mom's for the usual Sunday night thing. Hadn't been there in 2 weeks, figured it would be somewhat tolerable. Man was I wrong.
Mom asked about the situation regarding San and Jim, talked aimlessly about Toby Keith coming to Continental Arena, and made passing comments about Luke. It was uncomrfortable, unnecessary, and not to mention angering. I think she got pissed at me for something I said (forgot what it was) and got snippy at me but I ignored it.
For a while, this has been a pretty sizeable source of my stress. Now, I would like nothing more than to get away from it so I won't have to be subjected to it. Unfortunately, it's hard for me to just walk away from anything regarding family. I know everyone in this family is apparently allergic to confrontation, and it will pretty much lead to some kind of huge falling out. It's not like it will matter. Everyone talks to everyone fucking else and expects everyone else to do something, like we read minds or don't have feelings or opinions of our own. Then when it doesn't happen someone gets pissy and throws a temper tantrum. More times than not it's over something ridiculous and petty. Instead of acting like a family, we are all acting like a bunch of fucking high schoolers. I'm getting really fucking livid with it all. Maybe I should just spell a couple things out to get this shit over with already.
-Whatever is going on between San and Jim is between just them--San and Jim. San isn't stupid, she knows pretty much no one likes him. Of course those people would not want things to work out for that reason. This is where San would come in since, well, it is HER situation. She married him for a reason and though most people don't see it, it isn't as easy as you would think to walk away from someone you feel you love. Just because your parents hate someone doesn't make it any easier to kick their ass to the curb. Even if you end up finding someone better, the road to finding them is pretty fucking painful and arduous. You wouldn't need any extra help to make sure the sting is still there. This would mean asking questions like "She should just sign divorce papers", and "She deserves better", etc. It's crude, it's not supportive, and it just plain fucking hurts. I know she means well by wanting the best but she is going about it COMPLETELY wrong. All you can do in this situation is support her and listen to her, be there for her. None of this "I told you so" bullshit.
-Rob and I broke up almost a year ago. Yeah. He was a nice guy to the parents. Loaned me money. Did favors for my parents. Took me out and bought me expensive gifts. Came by often. Just seemed perfect I guess. Except those expensive gifts and constant fucking gushing from my parents about how great he is compared to the other "losers" your other daughters are dating are NOT going to keep me warm at night, and they most certainly won't be holding me. Protecting me, telling me I would never be judged and abandoned. Things didn't work out. I tried telling her as much as I could without being judged myself and I got judged anyway. She took my ex-boyfriend's side over mine. Do you know what that says to me? That says my own mother agrees with my ex-boyfriend in leaving me because he thought I was a whore. I may seem like a raging cunt with no standards or morals, but maybe you've judged enough. He tried to get me back, but I know how he really feels. The fact that I can't talk to someone I used to be involved with, because you are intimidated of my experience compared to yours? That doesn't fly with me. All the diamonds in the world can't buy my acceptance for keeping me chained up like a fucking dog. I was emotionally devoid when I was with him. I couldn't even get a fucking hug without thinking something was up. I tried for months to try to tell him what I needed, and eventually after all I did I got a phone call in the a.m. shunning me into whore-dom for my past experiences.
About 3 or 4 months later I started becoming involved with someone else. At this point I had been friends with this person 5 months or so. Even though we definitely have our shares of nasty screaming fits (Well, mostly me), he says what he is thinking, does not keep anything to himself, and as far as I know he has not judged me or abandoned me. Whenever I had something on my mind, he would talk me through it and hold nothing back. He had a good childhood but some major familial issues which helps him relate to me. I will be the first (besides him) to say he is a complete asshole. He is arrogant, stubborn, and completely dumb when it comes to what he should do in relation to me sometimes. But it's those imperfections that remind me that I don't have to live up to anyone. I don't have to feel like less of a person because I am paranoid, because I have a temper, or even cause we got hit when we were kids. Shit happens, there has been worse, and in the end it has made us who we are.
-I don't resent my entire childhood. I have a ridiculous amount of respect for my parents even though they would never think it, but they need to realize we are all our own people. San is not going to just give up on her marriage cause you don't like her husband. Nicole is going to have to learn how to take responsibility (seriously) and not worry about such petty issues on her own time and pace. And if I want to get another piercing, another tattoo, drink one weekend, hell, even if I want to snort lines of coke off of a hooker's ass, let me make my own mistakes. My parents can think Luke is a fucktard all they want. The truth is, they don't know him. They don't know he was there when Rob wasn't. They don't know about the things he said, how I felt the last few months we were together. I do. Luke does. It's been almost a year. I am not walking away, and even worse, back to Rob just because they think he is a "nice guy" or cause Luke isn't that "nice Italian boy". And Mom of all people is not in a place to judge who could make me happy. Focus on your own life before trying to dictate mine.
I just want to be able to go to the house and not hear drama about shit that can't even be said to the respective people's fucking faces. It's always she said, he said bullshit. I talk shit, sure. But I also say it to their fucking face. It's all gossip. Why not concern, support, being realistic? I mean, I know I am in my own world a lot of the time too, but I mean DAMN. I accept what people say, do, feel. This isn't the fucking 50's, or whatever time frame people are stuck in. People are different, and are not going to feel or think how you do. Nor are they wrong for feeling or thinking otherwise.
I just wish they would see this. Because honestly, I am at the point where I can go pretty far away if I wanted to. The only reason I am staying here is for my family. At the same time, I won't go back to the house if all I hear is gossip about petty shit, Toby Keith, passing comments about Rob/Luke or the bitch next door. There is so much more to life than complaining about everyone fucking else. They have no idea how much more enjoyable it could be if they figured out what it was. All I can really ask is to just fucking be there, support us, and NEVER JUDGE US. After all, like Manson said, "I am a refelction of you." Don't try to give me shit like "Oh no, she quoted Manson, she's gone crazy". It's called being eclectic. If it fucking works, it works.
I can't rant anymore or my brain will melt. I have to be at work in 11 1/2 hours. I know this will probably upset Mom. I know she's probably going to read this within 6 hours of me posting this. It is not meant to be an attack. All I am attempting to accomplish from this post is to be honest and say what no one else seems to want to say, and that is what is on my mind. I've tried to say it in person, and it doesn't stick. Maybe if it's read over and over it will sink in a little easier. If she could understand and not get offended by what I am trying to say, it could only be improvement. Oh well. What can you do.
Val Since you are expecting my comments let's get into iT!!! I asked about San and J because I don't hear from San!!! I told San to her face that she deserves better!!! I never told SAn I told you so!!! I'm not that cruel!!! You should get your facts straight before you accuse me of saying things!! It if memory serves me right you were talking about it first when it happened and mentioned your feelings about it!!! second I 'm so frigging sorry I'm so intolerable and that talking about Toby bothers you so damn Much!!! Never will mention him again to YOU!! I didn't get pissed at you for anything so I don't know what the FRIG that's about!!! I AM tired of Erica's stupid LEsbian comment every 2 minutes!! We know what that's about!!! I didn't mention anything about Rob!! It's a waste of time and energy!! I don't know Luke that well, and I NEVER said anything negative about him! Why would I? I never took Rob's side over yours!! You never tell me anything so how could take any sides? You'd rather talk to your girlfriend then me!! Makes me feel real good, right? Even San talks to me once in a while! You choose to have secrets, so then have them!! I'm frigging done!!! You chose to ignore me for 2 fucking weeks!!! Why? Because I talk about Toby Keith? PLease!!!! Oh yes I do focus on my life!!! I try to make the best of bad situations, and WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY MORE DISrepect!!!FROM ANYONE!!!!
You're going to think I'm ganging up on you, but oh well, this needs to be said.....
Nothing personal, but I think I should be the one to determine whether J stays or goes. I don't talk about stuff like that to you or anyone else because I don't think anyone has the right to say what needs to be done in my marriage besides me and J. We're both consenting adults the last time I checked and we're both mature enough to figure out what the problems may be and whether they can be fixed.
As for Rob, you *totally* always bring him up every time I'm over. For whatever reasons, their thing didn't work out. Val has to live with that. Everytime you bring him up it brings up painful memories for Val that she'd rather try and forget. I don't know what happened there nor do I care to ask. I figure she'll tell me someday when she's ready to talk about it.
Val has a point about you complaining alot. You do. It's always about the neighbors or work whenever I stop by. Then you wonder why your heartburn acts up or your blood pressure shoots up. You need to manage the stress better. Ignore the bitch next door, she'll croak someday. Ignore the work drama or get another job if you can't. Point is that no matter what the problem, it can be fixed if need be. There's no need to live with it, especially if it's killing you slowly. Really, who needs the drama?
By the way... This last part has absolutely nothing to do with you or this post in any way and is not meant at all to insult you, but you know me well enough that I gotta say it: Toby Keith sucks. lol
San I NEVER said J should go!!! That was your decision! Thanks for confiding in me a little anyway! You're right! It's your decision! I Don't have to live with him!! WHY would I care?! As far as me complaining, I'm sorry I'm such a pain in the ass!!! I thought family would want to hear about problems of mine!! I guess I was wrong about that TOO! I didn't bring up Rob the last time Val was here! You wouldn't know YOU weren't! The reason I'm stressed out right now isn't my job, the neighbor or anything else! It's THIS bullshit and being ganged up on by what I THOUGHT was my FAMILY! I'm sorry but THIS needed to be said! I promise if you and Val ever decide to come over I won't ever talk about MY problems again! I didn't mind listening to either one of yours! I thought that what moms are supposed to do!! I hope both of you will sleep easier knowing you won't ever have to listen to my complaining again! I'll save that for some of my friends! I have a couple of them, you know! I know you're both probably suprised I do!! I hope you both work YOUR problems out!!! I'm not pissed anymore, just really really hurt! Good luck
I never said you initially said J should go, but hearing things like "You deserve better." doesn't help the situation.
I never said you were a pain in the ass. And the last time *I* was there you brought up Rob. I didn't say the last time Val was there.
All I said in my last post is that if you complain about the same stuff EVERY time we see you then maybe something needs to be done to fix the problem. You're going to worry yourself into an early grave worrying about all the stuff you worry about right now.
I give up, feel what you will, the point of my post seems to have been missed. *sigh*
San You're right to a point and if I was insensitive about J in ANYTHING I said I'm truly sorry! Your "point" wasn't missed! I guess you don't really understand when I get hurt Sorry about that! That's the way I am! It seemed like I was being ganed up on! You're welome to stop by anytime if YOU want! I know you're sometimes busy! I promise NOT to complain! Love MOM
I just want to apologize for not being more sensitive about Rob!! That was my mistake to think that it could have been worked out! When we talked on the phone I just couldn't talk about this anymore! I'm just really too hurt!
I apologize for apparently upsetting you. The post wasn't meant to, like I had mentioned. But there is a limit to what I can have thrown in my face for failing. Let me know if you want me to stop by on Sunday or not; if not I will try to make other plans.
You're BOTH always welcome to stop by! However I don't feel Iwas OVERREACTING to what was written! I was just hurt that's all! Thanks for apologizing! It cosys nothing and jsut shows you're mature enough to care I love you both! MOM